Makes some sense..

I didn't write the following, so whoever did, kudos to you, but it's something which I'd have loved to write. I mostly agree with whatever you've talked about. I will add a few lines on my own though to sum it up. Add and sum.. what am I talking these days! Sigh! So here goes... ( if you wanna sue me, it ain't gonna work, so just read the blog and get outa here ).

Now is the time when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. Sounds like you? Bad, some of us know where we wanna be 2 years down the line, some of us even know where we wanna be 5 years down the line. But this one is a toughie, so I can give you the benefit of the doubt if you're confused.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you, and if you look at the other side of the coin, some of them just plain suck.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. This depends again, on how ambitious, smart, dedicated and determined you are.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. This is the time, when you'd figure out the "right" from the "wrong". This is the time when you'd really get to know someone well, and you are mature enough to understand how this "someone" operates, but you still don't know what to do about this someone! If you tend to understand, you've just finished your first level, which means that you can go ahead and explore life. In case you didn't get it:

1) First level pass : Trust earned, trust given.

2) First level pass : When you share a relationship which is at a higher level than any of the other relationships you share with other people. For eg: you talk about things which you generally wouldn't talk about, you feel differently towards this "someone" than you'd feel to anyone else.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

How many of us would love to be contenders and how many of us, winners? Contenders - the race will never be over. Winners - you've just overtaken your worthiest opponent - FEAR.

Makes sense? You think you can relate to all this? Great. You are one amongst the youth. This isn't called the "Quarter Life Crisis" as a lot of us people generally liken it to be.

This is called - "The Growth of YOU".

-V

"Dream" Sequence

A resort located in a hill station, nice and cold weather, wind blowing gently. It was almost like the mood of the situation was so beautifully and ideally captured, that he felt that there was no one else apart from them. He knew that there was loads of affection between the two of them, though he had heard it from her a lot of times, he was never somehow ready or never got the chance to tell her how he felt.

The circumstances made it more romantic in certain terms - hill station, a beautiful resort, right in a pathway, with openings on either side for the wind to blow gently and a bench, where she was sitting, silently mulling over something.

His mind raced back to the time they had spent together over the years, at the movies, just holding hands, walking and talking in this specific park where they spent a lot of time, the intellectual and mind boggling conversations they had, with a dash of humour thrown in for the "masala" factor. And all this time, there was one common thought - she was always there for him, whenever he felt like talking to her, whenever he felt like sharing anything. For a second, there was a sudden sense of realization - she had become an integral part of his life, she was someone who was going to be with him, someone who he would always count on, forever.

He kneeled down a little in front of her, asking her to look at him. That was a picture - right there. The two of them looking at each other and you could see what they meant to each other in their eyes. She smiled at him, and ruffled his hair playfully. He just couldn't hold back anymore.

"I don't know if I've ever told you this, but do you know that you are extremely important to me and for everything that I am and that I do?"

Before she could even utter a word, albeit the surprised look on her face, she could see that tears had started welling in his eyes. This was the first time she ever saw anything like this coming from him. She knew him to be extremely strong from the outside, she also knew that there was an emotional kid inside, always longing to be cared for, that side of him had never shown up until this instant.

He buried his face into her hands, rested his head on her lap. He just wanted to nourish this moment. The amount of happiness in that very moment for both of them, was pretty overwhelming. She rested his head on her lap and ran her fingers through his hair. She didn't say much, and a drop of tear ran down her already glowing, red cheek and she could still afford a smile.

A small line emanated from her mouth. "We are here for each other.. no matter what", saying this, she gently rested her cheek on his head....

-V

I am done..

That's it, the time's here, I've made up my mind.

Once there's an oppurtunity, everything will be said, done and sorted out. Things are bound to go smoothly or things will end right then and there. I've tried to change the way I generally think, the fact that I've given special consideration to this situation and been a little patient than usual, are somethings I oridinarily wouldn't do. Decision making for me has been pretty solid over the years, this one is now, after some deliberation .. of course.

Not interested in playing mind games anymore. No thread to be hanging from for me. I am always going to be on solid ground, whatever maybe the outcome.

Bourne Ultimatum is one of the best movies I've seen over the past 8 months, if not the best. Go watch it. It's just a little too awesome and brilliant.

-V

When you were young..

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to,
to save you from your old ways,
you pray forgiveness, watch him now.. here he comes.

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus,
But he talks like a gentleman, like you imagined,
when you were young.

Can we climb this mountain?
I don't know..
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy, easy now, watch it go

We're burning down the highway skyline
on the back of a hurricane, that started turning
when you were young.

When you were young..
And sometimes you close your eyes
and see the place where you used to live
when you were young..


They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now..
But you can dip your feet,
every once in a little while...

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to,
to save you from your old ways,
you pray forgiveness, watch him now.. here he comes.

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus,
But he talks like a gentleman, like you imagined,
when you were young.

Talks like a gentleman, like you imagined,
when you were young.
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus..
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus..

But more than you'll ever know.

-V

Nothing, it's just plain anger.

Relationships cannot be built if there's no respect. If they were ever built without, they will end up in shackles one day or the other. You respect the partner, you have sowed the seeds of a good relationship in the making. You despise the partner, you think he/she is not upto the mark, you think that you are way more clever/brighter/superior than the partner? You think it will work? Not happening.

There's no way a relationship can last if there's no element of maturity. There's no way a relationship can last if there is a lot of sadism. There is absolutely no way a relationship can last if there's a lot of ego.

It's not a tit for tat game. Doesn't work that way. Grow up.

Understanding yourself is the first step in maintaining good relationships. You don't understand yourself? Don't you worry, you will lose it all one day.

Once relationships are built, make sure that every little moment is nurtured, make sure that you don't forget the past. The times you've shared stories together, the times you've shared happiness, sadness, glory, joy, warmth together. These are the elements which will hold the relationship for ages to come. You don't remember all these and you decide to end the relationship? You don't have a conscience, you are heartless. You are basically a worthless piece of human being crap living your life for no reason at all.

Understand each other, respect each other. It will all come together...

-V

Interpreting the current state

.... of my head. It's difficult, it's confusing, something which I am obviously not used to, especially when it comes to this position I am in right now.

This is related to my previous post as well. Just interpreting the thoughts I have, and the right kind of actions to take, based on these thoughts, is kinda making me run in spirals.

I see the light, a ray of hope, sometimes, and I don't see it the rest of the times. Is it too early? Is it really worth it all? THAT is the confusion.

Do I pretend like nothing has happened at all? Do I just continue as it is and WAIT for something to happen? The WAIT always has a dependency, something which I do not want to have. I have always taken decisions, have made them knowing every single outcome. This time, it's different. Getting to the first stage of decision making is slowing things down.

I know I want this....

Need time..

-V

Penning it down, just had to.

I am back from Wayanad.. and there are a couple of things which I've realized. I guess I am man enough to let my ego down for a bit and accept that I did think about this "entity" in my life for sometime. I will write more about the trip itself later.

I guess I did miss you, nah.. I really did and it's alright now, as I am back :)

-V